First on Woussaa: The Presidential Needs Issue

With the presidential election in full swing, I'd like to discuss an issue of utmost importance.

Since this post concerns delicate matters of government, national security, and the secretion of bodily fluids, we ask all easily upset readers to stop reading right now. Ideally, the reader should have served as a paramedic for at least two years in a bad area of Chicago, and led a platoon during the siege of Fallujah. A stint in federal prison would be a definite advantage.

OK, now that we have the namby-pamby softies out of the way, let's get down and dirty and talk straight.

We have a problem at the White House. The problem is affecting the performance of the executive branch, and possibly having long-ranging impact on foreign relations and the economy. It is a problem which has long gone undiscussed and unmentioned.

The problem is presidential frustration.

I do not need to be the one to tell you that males - of any species, but especially homo sapiens - are prone to an intense inner urge to copulate. To copulate with exactly what depends on the particular male in question, but of course most males are driven to copulate with females of their own species, if available, or genus, if not.

For good and sensible reasons which I will not go into, society frowns upon this built-in urge, and likes to pretend that it doesn't exist. Moreover, society expects males to mate only with their pair-bonded females, most of whom lose their attractiveness over time. (They may stay attractive to other males, but for reasons unknown become less attractive to their own mate.)

Consequently, males afflicted by the overpowering and uncontrollable desire to release their genes tend to skulk in dark alleys with cheap hookers, or drop serious cash for escort services. Failing either, they will ogle strippers, get a lap dance or two, and jack off in the restroom. Worst-case scenario, if financially strapped, they may rely on the Internet.

Nothing extraordinary so far. But the problem really becomes dire when the male in question is the president of the United States of America. He is watched 24/7, by the secret service and the omnipresent media. He cannot call up an escort service, because if he gets nailed, the resulting fiasco would entail more than a distraught spouse. If he were to even sneak out at night with a fake moustache, the excursion would be playing out live on CNN before he got off Pennsylvania Avenue.

Technically, he could have sex with his wife, of course, but unlike the First Lady in France, US presidential spouses do not exactly fit the description of "sex-bomb."

So what to do?

Bill Clinton's solution, of course, is well-known. He got into a lot of hot water over it. But we at Woussaa have to applaud him, because at least he did not resort to self-service. We do not wish to even contemplate the specter of the the Commander-in-Chief, the most powerful man in the world - having to lock the door of the Oval Office and pleasure himself like a schoolboy. The idea would be too pathetic for words. (The Carter Administration comes to mind.)

Of course, there is always a possibility that a president may resort to abstinence and celibacy. That would be bad for America and for the world. Frustrated men make stupid decisions. They will lose focus and do rash things, purely out of spite. They will not be able to concentrate on the job at hand. Intelligence will not be listened to carefully. Irrational decisions will be made.

In a future post Woussaa will discuss possible solutions to this thorny issue.